Nothing feels real

This is something I wrote for a college project that I kind of would like to share.

She sits in her room on her phone. Scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, chatting away with random people on the internet who fill the gaping holes that her IRL friends leave.

Nothing feels real, nothing feels right.

She’s fine being in her room by herself but she finds it hard to find the motivation to go out if nobody goes with her. Sometime’s she’s fine that way, other times everything feels muffled and toned down — the sounds she hears, the objects she sees, everything that she feels. It comes and goes regularly, leaving her empty and void.

She usually loves to go out with friends, but they never like to go out. She finds it hard to make new ones, doesn’t think that she’s interesting enough to anyone else. She can make conversation the majority of the time, but sometimes she feels different. She just agrees and nods — enough to satisfy the other person but also enough to totally wear her social battery out.

But even though she’s exhausted, she doesn’t like to sleep. She’ll miss out on something, she lets the feelings (or lack thereof) consume her until she feels like somebody else entirely — she sees herself as somebody else entirely, disconnected with the way she looks or even the way that others refer to her. She doesn’t trust herself, she can’t tell whether it’s all in her head or if any of it’s real.

But her emotions and memories don’t mean much to her for long. Sometimes she remembers, sometimes she can only do so vaguely without the details. Her emotions disappear, remembering that she felt a certain way but not being able to understand them and find any connection to them.

To her, it doesn’t feel this way — but everything is real, even if nothing feels right.

Finding acceptance

The wording in this blog post may be shotty, I apologise if this is the case!

I’ve had a very busy last few weeks- dealing with plenty of online drama and completing my final and most important college project. And with all of that, I’ve found that I’ve been thinking a lot about my mental health and have been slowly been rediscovering myself.

But I’d been here before, actually a few years ago. In this exact same place, but discovering myself for the first time. I made decent progress- nothing magical, but enough to feel some sort of understanding and validity. Things sort of made sense, even if I wasn’t coping any better.

I’d discovered that I very well fit the picture of a dissociative disorder, found communities that I fit in with and could learn about from- learn about different ways that others cope. Even if I fit in, without any kind of professional diagnosis I felt somewhat invalid.

I tried getting some professional support- went through the process of speaking to a therapist about stuff and got referred to see someone about it, but for some reason I was never able to express it. It was quite scary. I tried getting to the same place multiple times but I had (and continue to) run into that same barrier.

Invalidation built up. I get quite depressed and I did end up publicly accusing myself of faking. I think I believed that for about a week and later had major regrets. I still don’t understand why I did that or why I have done similar things.

I did find acceptance later again, somewhere I felt comfortable to be more open. I admittedly have had moments of doubting whether any of this is real, and although I dislike labelling myself with a condition that I’m not diagnosed with, do feel more comfortable again to be even more open about things.

I do hope to seek a professional diagnosis, but I’m very hesitant to do that at the moment because of various things including the stuff I’ve already mentioned. I don’t think I fully accept myself, which as stupid as it sounds is a massive barrier.

This blog post, for me at least, is a part of that process. A very limited few people know everything that I’ve written here, and now this is open to IRL friends, my online friends, people in communities I’m a part of, my classmates, my college teachers and the list goes on.

I’m writing and publishing this to help myself a little, and may share a bit more in the future.

Willow out.

Getting kicked out in July

Well, I definitely haven’t been keeping up with this blog- but damn do I have some hot juicy tea for you all.

I’ve recently made the decision that I’ll be leaving home in September in order to live in University student halls. My family have been aware of this for a while, and I’ve always been told that whatever I choose, I will be supported.

Now, some context is that I’m technically, but not legally, a child in care. I live with my Grandma under a court order which is somewhat financially supported by my local government. When I turn 18 later this month, the court order ends. However the local government has said that they will keep supporting that until July, when I finish college.

Yesterday, I told my Grandma about the decision I’ve made to stay in Uni halls and it was not taken well. For months she has been telling me that I’m incapable of living independently and that if I choose to leave in September, I won’t be allowed back.

I have been fine with that arrangement, and the chance that my disability money could end in September when I move to Uni. Equally, I have been told that there is a chance that I can keep receiving thet money. It’s a significant amount of money, but I have been sick and tired of living in an unaccepting household. Staying at home wouldn’t help my mental health or my studies, and I’ve been more and more sure about staying at Uni halls with every single time she tells me (and other people that) I’m incapable.

I was instead told that I would be getting kicked out in July when she stops getting money from the local government to look after me. That was quite the bombshell, considering I wouldn’t be able to move to or afford to move to Uni halls until September. I was then later told that she would be going out of her way to cancel the disability money that I recieve, because she thinks that I would lose it anyway and that she ‘doesn’t want to be responsible for it’.

Keep in mind that the disability money would have been enough to support me in carrying on living with her until September, and even after if I would be allowed to keep it.

So, I’m being kicked out for wanting to stay in Uni. Not really because she can’t financially responsible for me but more because she sees this as a massive “fuck you” to her instead of the opportunity to live independently to me.

I have nowhere I can really go, my Parents live separate. My Mother isn’t well and doesn’t live in the safest environment and my Father, though he lives in a safe and stable environment, living with him is out of the picture.

I’m figuring out my options with my local government, but nothing is promised. They have a certain responsibility for me, but again- nothing is promised.

My sister has been absolutely amazing and is supporting me, and we’re looking at cutting my Grandma’s access to my disability benefit. I think for now I’ll be fine, but the fact that nothing is set in stone and that I have no housing security between July and September, I’m very stressed out by it all.

Boing!! (and bonus college project)

Omg, Willow writing a blog post not in the middle of the night but actually at 10:25am?? Rare!

Anywho... Yesterday was quite the day. I went trampolining for the first time in years, and genuinely had a great time. It was just me and a few others my age messing around the entire time and it was tiring but very fun.

I've also started by college project! You can click here to complete a very short and anonymous questionnaire- doing it would help me out so much!!

Sleep is for the weak (I’m weak)

Aaaannnnddd… It’s currently 12:20am and I’m up writing this. Actually because someone said something that reminded me to do this. I don’t know how often I want to write on the blog, but I don’t think it really matters either.

My sleep schedule has been utterly terrible recently, which is not good at all. I find myself up at 2am doing things that either should have been done wayyyy before or could have waited until the next day. It feels bad to wake up at 11am. Because that’s so much of the day just… gone.

But at the same time, I feel like I work really well at night. And all the silly internet people on my phone tend to be online at those times too (hello silly orchard people who are reading this)!

Raaahhhh. But back in the day, the daytime I mean, I’ve been working on my final college project! It’s a really cool one that I’m calling ‘Alienated’.

At the moment, I think it’ll be some sort of ARG but I’m not entirely sure if that’ll work. I suppose we’ll see!

I cannot wait to share that- I’m also going to be sharing a survey too to help me with getting some research grades. Awesome sauce.

And that’s really all that I… Have to say? Yep. I’m probably gonna stay awake for just a little bit more and then just disappear™ (early starts are the WORST).

Starting a blog

So, I got a little bit bored, and I decided how better to spend my time than well, to start a blog!

I have no idea what I'll put here or if I'll even use it that much but well, yeah. I may put some things here!!

At the moment, I'm just working on this website trying to get some stuff on here. Work kinda stopped for a bit whilst I was doing lots of other things including my university application!

I ended up with five university offers, one of which was an unconditional! It feels genuinely awesome to know that no matter what, I'll be able to study cybersec in uni.